Why Speaking Up Matters
I never knew how badly I had been neglecting my own needs. Around the end of last summer, my glasses broke. For any of my glasses/contacts-wearers out there, you know how annoying that can be. Like the industrious person I was raised to be, I slapped some superglue on them and kept on trucking.
Every so often I would think about getting new glasses but something else would come up that was more important. The household has a bill that needs to be paid, the children need formula or they have grown out of yet another set of clothing. Then the glasses would get placed on the back burner.
Well then we moved states, and I realized that I would need to find another eye doctor and renew my prescription. But again, other things kept coming up that were more important.
What I didn’t realize was that an underlying frustration and resentment were building up inside of me.
Here I was wearing broken glasses that were barely holding on, wearing headbands and constantly readjusting them so they sat right on my face. For those you can see without assistance, that level of daily annoyance may be hard to understand but stay with me.
This was something that frustrated me every day, and I had mentioned that I needed a replacement once or twice but I kept my frustrations to myself. Why is that?
Well, I believed I could just deal with it, and that we’d take care of it eventually.
I didn’t think enough about my own needs to keep bringing it up.
The truth that I am still learning to accept is that my needs are important and that bringing them up isn’t a form of complaining but is necessary, to be honest about how I’m feeling and to be seen and heard by my husband.
Why We Struggle to Express Our Needs
There can be many reasons why we struggle to express our needs. For some, when you were growing up you tried to express your needs but you were shot down, misunderstood, or ignored. For others, your parents were well-meaning, but your wants and needs were unable to be met either because of lack of finances or lack of time.
Over time you learned to keep your wants and needs to yourself. I couldn’t stand feeling disappointed so to avoid that feeling I just kept my mouth shut. It was only out of extreme necessity that I would bring up that I needed something, and even then I would make sure I tried to make it as less of a burden as possible.
While my intentions may have been pure, and there is virtue in being self-sacrificial, that is not a mindset that I could lean on long term. Because my wants and desires were still there, they were just getting buried, unlistened to, and unmet.
I will never know if some of my wants and desires could have been met, because I never asked.
I was thinking of the story of the blind man in the Bible Jesus healed. In Luke 18 it shows that once the blind man heard that Jesus would be walking by he shouted at Jesus. The people around told the man to be quiet but he shouted all the more. He let his needs be heard, and he was healed because he refused to stay silent.
It saddened me to think that if I were that blind man I would have kept my mouth closed. I would’ve thought, Jesus is probably busy and I don’t want to bother him. I would have to shout and I don’t want to make anyone else uncomfortable.
But Jesus didn’t rebuke the man for being loud, he didn’t reprimand him for disturbing the peace. He heard him, and he healed him.
How many blessings have you missed out on because you wouldn’t let your needs be heard?
The Hidden Cost of Staying Silent
There is a cost to your silence. There is a cost to yourself and there is a cost to others.
The Cost to Yourself
Every time you choose not to vocalize your needs you subconsciously teach yourself that your needs don’t matter or they aren’t as important as other people’s needs. You do that long enough and you start to believe that’s true. Some of us grew up having to take on a lot of responsibility from a young age and some of our wants and needs were placed on the backburner. Maybe that’s what was necessary at the time, but later on in adulthood or in a marriage and it can be difficult to recondition your mind to believe otherwise.
As mothers, it can be instinctual to put the needs of your family above your own. And yes while there is some virtue in that, there is a thin line between self-sacrifice and self-neglect. As mothers, you also have to consider whether or not your habits and beliefs are what you want to pass on to your children.
The Cost to Others
My husband and I have had many conversations where he would ask me to tell him what things I needed or what things I liked. And oftentimes I would say I don’t know or that I would get back to him, which I hardly ever did.
Considering myself has never been at the forefront of my mind, so when asked what I wanted, I didn’t have an answer. I just didn’t think about it.
It’s been difficult for my husband to serve me in the way he would like because I have been unable or unwilling to tell him the things that I need. After all, I just believed it wasn’t that important. And that robs him of doing the thing he wants to do most, provide and make me happy. When we don’t voice our needs, we aren’t just hurting ourselves—we’re also robbing those who love us of the chance to support us.
Shifting Your Mindset: Owning Your Voice
There is an internal shift that will need to take place. There is a reason that the Bible speaks about renewing your mind. Your beliefs are a result of what you think is true about yourself. And from those beliefs come your actions. To change your actions, you will need to change your beliefs, and that starts with what you think.
In many instances, you may not even be aware of what you truly think about yourself. It is easy to operate one way for so long that it simply becomes your norm. Take some time to sit, meditate, or journal about what you believe about yourself. And where did it come from?
Does it stem from the way you were treated in the past?
Did it start in childhood, even if your parents were well-meaning?
This can take some time to process and it can take time to become aware of when you are pushing your needs to the side. If that is all you know, sometimes you’re not aware of when you are doing it, or how to communicate it.
There is a level of boldness required to communicate our wants and our needs. It can make you feel vulnerable to speak up, especially if you haven’t been listened to in the past.
A thought process I am still trying to overcome is, “Why bother sharing what I want or need if I’m just going to end up disappointed?” “Why put myself through that?”
And truthfully, the answer is, because then nothing will change.
The blind man had no guarantees that his cries would be heard. He had no reassurance that Jesus would stop or that he would be healed. But that didn’t stop him from trying.
The woman with the issue of blood had tried everything to be healed. She spent her last dollars on treatments to no avail. And yet, when she saw Jesus passing by, she had enough hope and courage to reach out, and she took her healing by faith.
She could have easily believed that this time would be no different, and no one would have blamed her. But she couldn’t give up the opportunity, after 12 years of disappointment, to try again.
How many of us would keep trying after 12 years of the same issue? And how many of us would resign ourselves to that life, afraid of getting our hopes up again only to be disappointed one more time?
Do you have that level of determination to not let the fear of disappointment, potential embarrassment, and the pain of vulnerability stop you from voicing what you want and need?
How to Clearly and Confidently Express Your Needs
I want you to avoid a fatal mistake while learning to express your needs.
Do not think that you are off the hook for sharing what you need when you’ve only shared it once.
My husband taught me this recently. My excuse was, well, I shared what I needed a few months ago so….I didn’t want to seem like I was nagging or complaining.
First of all, that is probably the anti-definition of the word nag or complain. Secondly, he told me he wants to keep my needs and wants at the forefront of his mind, so I need to keep telling him.
That produced a level of discomfort for me that I am not used to, but I need to push through.
He is excited to give me the things that I need and want, but the man will not remember everything I said 5 months ago, especially since I probably just said it in passing and didn’t share how much it meant to me.
It is unfair to my husband not to share with him. And that is a novel concept to think about.
For the self-sufficient millennial women not sharing the “burden” of our needs can be a badge of honor.
“I can do without it.”
“It should last a little bit longer.”
“There are other things higher up the priority list.”
All that is well and good, and while your needs are sliding down the totem pole of importance your subconscious disappointment and resentment are creeping up.
The only way to combat that is to actively move your needs up.
I am a wife and a mother, there are some things that will need to be taken care of first in the budget, maybe there are expenses or a season of life that you are in that is busier, but pushing your needs under the rug doesn’t make them disappear. They just gather dust and petrify, and trust me, you’re going to notice it.
It can be tricky to know where to start or how to start. I’ve struggled with this too. There’s no way going just going to be walking around saying “I need this” or “I want that.”
What I’m learning is that in the moments of conversation when I think of something or feel a need to express it in that context. Don’t let the moment pass by and just assume that it’s not important. It may take some work to catch yourself, but it’s important to put in that work, recognize your own needs, and share them with others. Regardless of whether the other person acknowledges that need immediately, it is most important for you too.
What to Do When People Ignore or Misunderstand You
A dismissal from people is not an indication that your needs aren’t important. It also isn’t always an indication that they don’t care. If you have gone for years without sharing what your true wants and needs are, it will also take the hearer time to adjust and accept that as well. The process of voicing your needs will take time to adjust for all parties involved.
There may come a time when you recognize that a certain need won’t be met by someone in your life. That can be disappointing and hurtful, but trying to force the issue doesn’t mean it’s more likely to happen. Recognize that you may need to leave that need with God and understand that that person is not available to help you. Trust that He sees your needs, and will meet them at the right time.
The Freedom of Owning Your Voice
Learning how to voice your wants and needs is a continuous process, not a one-time event. There will be times when you feel that you miscommunicated or feel moments of joy that you shared what you need at the moment. Know that sharing what you need is not a burden, but an opportunity for you to get your needs met and for someone else to meet them.
Owning your voice isn’t about demanding attention—it’s about recognizing that your needs matter, and that expressing them is part of living fully. What’s one way you can start honoring your needs today?
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